With the world saved from destruction, again, we prepared for a much needed holiday. It was to be back to our tower in Fallcrest, for more free drinks and more people singing bad songs about us. Although since my kit is simpler than most, for my part the only real “preparation” was a welcome end to the rationing of wine and ale.

Sadly though, Distress had to part ways with the company. Her human sister has run into trouble back at her home town and she’s since headed there in company with a trading caravan, hopefully to sort it out.
Then, not long after we’d said our goodbyes, Carn announced that he had saved enough money to raise a small army and he’s off to reclaim his lost land and his estate. I think he was going to try picking up some retainers in the Halfmoon Inn and start there.
A point to be observed. I could have sworn we’ve been splitting loot evenly. Whilst I will admit that I buy some expensive beverages from time to time, and often in large amounts, I do not feel like I could confidently “hire a small army”. Could I? Probably Carn could though – I think there are people in that tavern that would follow him for a few coppers…

Back on the road, out of the caverns and tunnels, past the last demon and/or minotaur statue, our steps were a bit lighter and we started making good time. We hit the kings road and seeing perfectly ordinary travelers on the kings road was a welcome sight. But the traffic dwindled after a half a day until we realized we hadn’t seen anyone coming the other way in a long while. Soon enough the mystery was compounded. Ahead, a man and a woman also traveling our direction had been stopped by a Knight who blocked the road. At least, stopped by a large man with large shield, large sword, large helmet, large plate armor. Large enough to plausibly block the road. This man soon walked over to us and greeted us with friendly smile and introduced himself as Tyros Halfhelm, For a man with a skull on his dented shield, the smile seemed a bit misplaced.

In the distance beyond we could see a broken down wagon and standing next to it a man in fine clothes looking a bit frustrated. Two oxen flicked their tails nearby which seemed normal. Two drakes lounged nearby, which did not.

Tyros Halfhelm told us that the man near the wagon was his employer and a tax collector, named Larix or something of the sort. Presumably he would have gone on to ask for our help, but he had a few too many flecks of blood on his shield whereas the tax collector had clothes too loose to have been tailored. Oh and horns. Horns are always a dead giveaway (even on a tax collector) that the one wearing them secretly wants to kill you.
One might submit Distress as an exception. Or then again one might not.

At any rate, it all seemed improbable. Not to me, I was drunk. To someone else. I forget who. Things were pleasantly settled a few moments later when we all tried to kill eachother. I recall being angry but not a lot else. I think I shouted many things during the encounter. Like how unfair it was for them to make us work on our vacation.

As to the two fellow travelers, it was a man and a woman. I should describe them in case I wake up sober tomorrow and retain no recollection of them. Nobody wants a repeat of the halfling brothel incident .
The man Arannis is an Eladrin, which is to say an elf who is extra tall, extra odd, and actually from the Feywild. He carries two swords, one long and one short. I have not seen him smile yet. He did not take kindly to our initial mispronunciations of his name. In his protestations, his name has become AranNIS. The NIS here is to indicate not an emphasis but rather a deranged shriek.
The woman Esmerelda is a bit of a mystery. Due to a combination of striking shoulder length hair, magical accoutrements, an obsession with the color red, and a peculiar splotch on her shoulder that is quite clearly bat shit.

I should also mention that Splug has been in a disguise of my devising. From humble beginnings as a plan to pass him and Norbert off as deformed halflings, I give you “Humpy the Halfling, and Stumpy the Halfling”. We tell travelers that they would do well to stay away from Humpy as he has a mean case of the clap, an overly “friendly” manner, and because his name is not ironically given.

before the action started, Humpy and Stumpy tried to sneak away into the trees but the fighting started too quickly for them to get very far.

The action. It was blurry.
The knight struck fiercely with his big sword, first at Esmerelda.
Some knight.
Splug: “Ah a bastard sword. Should have called it the Asshole Sword.”

but the knight never really got to be much of a bastard. I think all of us landed at least one devastating blow on him within about 30 seconds and so he left this world kind of in a hurry. Say hi to the raven queen I guess.
The drakes roused themselves and attacked. the oxen less so. A number of crossbowmen and bandits in silly masks also appeared in the trees and fired crossbows at us which was nice. A clearer invitation to set something on fire, I have never seen.

standout moments:

– Neil taunting a bandit so much that the man fell out of his tree and cried.

– Splug offering a fist bump up to the towering Klajdu, who charitably returned it before realizing that what Splug had just said
was “Raven Queen Fist Bump!”
Klajdu: “Wait. what? No! Klajdu only agree read pamphlet !”

– Esmerelda firing some weird bolt of rainbow something out of her dagger, and then tossing her hair in impotent fury when it had no effect whatsoever.
– Esmerelda firing some weird rainbow thing again, but this time she hits a tree. And knocks the bandit of the tree. well ok. that’s something.
– Esmerelda firing some weird rainbow thing, and the tree exploding, and a bad guy catching on fire and exploding and dying . And a second later when Splug attacked another person nearby, him exploding and dying. We’ve got a live one people.
– One of us, I forget who, enjoying Esmerelda’s fireworks show, yelling “Taste the fucking rainbow!”

– An image of Neil’s playing card formed on the ground and followed him around. We’re pretty sure it at one point caused someone attacking Neil to suddenly scream and fall dead. (More news when we figure out wtf).

– Klajdu doing an impressive backflip and twirl to get up on a high ridge (except I think he called it a “twirtle”), so as to attack two sharpshooter bandits.
– Shortly thereafter Splug executing some hard-to-follow divine magic that resulted in both those same bandits falling out of their trees and then falling off the ridge.
– The look on Klajdu’s face when he realized there was nobody left on the ridge for him to fight.

– YOU get an oxen!!!! and YOU get an oxen!! and…. oh no wait that’s it. There’s only two.
– Splug and Klajdu high fiving just as Splug says “Raven Queen!”
Klajdu: “Wait! No!”

We tried to kill the tiefling, then we were to spare the tiefling, then we tried to kill him, then we spared him again. then we watched him run away. He wasn’t even on fire. Oh and he also claimed to know Distress, saying at one point “If you wondered where Distress got her training, tell her Larix (sp?) says hi.”

Oh and Arranis kinda died briefly but we brought him back. He still did not smile.
Shazia: Welcome back!
Arannis: What do you mean?
Shazia: Well, er, you were kinda dead for a while.

Much loot there was to sort through. Gold and silver in the “tax collector wagon”, which, surprisingly, turned out to be an actual tax collector’s wagon. the bloodstains on many of the clothes therein suggested that the current tax year did not end well for him.

I snagged what I at first thought was a pair of pajamas but turned out to be some magical cloth armor! I am slightly less likely to die tomorrow!! let us drink.